Texas natives have a unique sense of humor. Native son, and a "hill country resident", Kinky Friedman exemplifies a typical sample of the brand of humor you'll discover here.



Dumb Texas Laws:

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Jokes:

Students in a psychology class at a southern university were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"In order to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Alabama, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And what is the opposite of depression?", the professor asked a young lady from Mississippi.
"Elation," she answered.
"And you, young man," he said to a student from Texas. "What about the opposite of woe?"
"Well, sir, I believe that'd be 'giddy-up'," the Texan replied.

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

The young Texas rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



You know you're in Texas when:

You no longer associate bridges with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You know the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
You realize asphalt has a liquid state.
It's so hot the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
It's so hot that potatoes cook underground and all you have to do for lunch is to pull one out and add butter with trimmings.
It's so hot farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and cowboy boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for two Hunger Busters and fries.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your cowboy boots.
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." and five guys stand up.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale."
The Pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
It's a common misconception that everything is twice as big in Texas, really, everything is 1.965 times bigger, but we round up.
It's a common misconception that the women have big hair. In fact this was outlawed in July 1977. There is a task force and they are doing their best to reach every last woman. Bear with us.
It's a common misconception that JR Ewing still lives here. That was a TV show people! Come on! Chuck Norris, on the other hand, is a real, karate-choppin' Texas Ranger.
It's a common misconception that we have killer bees, fire ants, gigantic roaches and mosquitoes and other awful insects, tornadoes, hurricanes, and damaging hailstorms. We tend to think of them as a few bitty bugs and a bad hair day.
It's a common misconception that everyone speaks with a Texas accent. Y'all just don't know what y'all are talkin' about.